Young Spirit // Deniz EskiIzmirliler

DenizDeniz shares her honest thoughts about conformation, shoes and her search for peace.

Do you have any interests?
I have “groups” of various interests, mainly consisting of physical movements, as climbing. When I am exercising, i feel good and at the same time it brings energy . Doing exercise also creates a certain strength within me that is both mental and psychical.Music is another interest I have, I played the violin for a long time and a bit of piano.

Lately, I have spend more time on keeping myself physically strong which has lead to that I spend less time on playing music. The reason behind it is rather hard to define. However, it could be that exercise has a more rapid result progress and it feels like music require a great amount of time and patience, which I feel to be a big investment since I have a lot things going on in my life that I would like to give time to.

You have some interesting “obsessions” in life, could you tell more about them?
(Laughter) Indeed, I do.
Coffee & Shoes.

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I have no idea why I love shoes so much. Though, it could be that I often search for a shoe that could give me comfort and quality, which is a hard task and therefore I also appropriate a good shoe more.

The aesthetics behind shoes fascinates me, I often see people and their shoes. Through a persons shoes I think it signals a person´s self-care. If I see that people have spend time to choose a good shoe, it mirrors their effort to take care of themselves. This theory might not hold depending on situation. But shoes in general, is interesting. I must have been a Italian shoe maker in my past life. (laughter)

You are now a work- out- instructor, what impact has this position done on you?
The thing is that I like to stand on the stage and I like to exercise, so being a instructor provides me with both comforts. It provides me a combination of two worlds that I like. To stand on the stage and sort of being in the center, a feeling I honestly like. I cannot trace this crave of being seen.

At the same time being an instructor involves no risk, you know what you will deliver and so those the ones coming to your work-out.It also brings me happiness when I know that I can make people feel satisfied and give me confirmation.

“Confirmation is the probably the keyword here. The question is, do I need confirmation because I cannot give it to myself or is it because I just like it?”

These kind of questions is what I try to question myself. Why do I do something in a certain why, and why do I like to do things?

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When do you feel rejected and without conformation?

“I can feel this feeling quiet often.”

However, I did not sense it during my time at high school but it evolved gradually when I began with my studies at university. A place where I had to determine more by my own and be more independent, it is a higher degree of responsibility on your shoulders because you determine the course of life in more detail.

This feeling occur when I do not receive the attention I would like to have. When I consider myself lacking, that I find things I could have done better which would given me more more attention and conformation. Following questions occur in my mind: Maybe I did not talk so much with my friends on the school lunch as I needed in order to get attention? 

“It can be quiet hard to experience this Feeling of not being Confirmed.”

I have missed the chance of bonding with people for the very first beginning due to various reasons, like the relationship I had at that time. I needed to spend time with a certain person when I actually could have been with others. This problem of searching for confirmation also causes me to feel insecure and therefore decided to not participate with other people and instead went home.

As time go, you push more pressure on yourself for not delivering enough and not receive the attention you need. At the same time, this school term feels relatively good. I no longer have responsibility of two persons, but just myself. Now I can focus on myself and try to bond with people that I might like.

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“It is an OPPORTUNITY to learn myself to consider it okay to be alone  and cease to search for confirmation.”

So now is a good time for me to work on myself and reflect my thoughts and actions.

Are you more self-conscious? 
It could be possible. I feel more forced to find self-conscious than I used to. At this point I am more vulnerable than I used to. But at the same time, everything going on in my life now cause me to reflect my actions and thoughts. I used to live in an illusion where I did not question my aims. I did not question myself; Is this really what I want? Why do i want to achieve these goals? 

Living in that illusion was easy and comfortable, and I could sometimes consider myself more happy then. At the same time, this phase I am passing through now is highly necessary, because it will occur no matter what.

“A hard but necessary phase.”

AND I hope this process where I question my surrounding, my choices, my desires and myself, will in the end provide me with a more peaceful state of mind.

Furthermore, how and what I see as serene is a question itself.  Though, when thinking about it now, it could be when I do not compare myself with others. It is a big step. Also it is when I am happy with what I do and give myself positive feedback.

“Sereneness does not mean that you do not readjust and it does not mean that everything is good. It is about still being happy even when there might be some complications in life. “

To be able to accept it and then also evolve and stay calm. And when a person compares themselves with others also signals that that person feels to not being good enough. In other words, I sereneness is when I feel good enough about myself that i stop comparing myself with others.

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When do you feel the strongest?
When I get attention. And this is the problem! I feel the strongest when other people think that I am good and I do not like these things to be correlated. I would like to feel the strongest when i am alone and when I give myself good feedback.

At this current time, I am the strongest when i am working as a work-out-instructor and when I make people laugh and not the other way around.

You also need a certain strength to see the truth and confront it, just like you did now. 

But when do you feel the weakest? 
It is when I am alone or when I draw myself back from people, that is when I avoid people that I feel will not give me conformation and when I consider myself unworthy.
It is the hardest at evenings, when the days comes to an end. I will think about what I could have don better and the most frustrating is that as the evening comes I am not able to change it.

 How will you stop this?
Focus less on school and my attempts to constantly be at my best condition. I need to stop thinking that it will provide me happiness and peace. It is a bad way to find peace. My goals have often been about constantly delivering my best and always optimizing everything. So I have identified things that I would not like to do and which way to avoid. The right way has nothing to do with being the best at school and graduate as a doctor. However, I have not found the solution.

“It could be that I need to listen to myself and not live according to other people´s hopes and expectations on me. To be the one I am. “

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Do you have any dreams?
I used dream about being a doctor and now when I am medical school I realize it might not be the thing that I am searching for.

“My dream to find peace.”

I do have smaller dreams but I have also realized that it is all just temporary and it will not give me happiness. I dream to find the things in life that give me a peaceful mind.

Do you have any expectations on the world?
More understanding. More acceptance. More understanding for each other and that we might not want the same things in life. Understanding that there is different ways of finding a peaceful and satisfied mind. And that life is not just about material possessions and achievements. I expect people to be more open and people that choose to have a simple life is as equal as any business owner, doctor or whatever. But I expect this things on myself too.

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Any last words,

“Stop comparing yourself with others. It is a big mistake that many people do.”

They compare and some feel better and some worse. None of this will give you peace and happiness in life. There is no point in comparing yourself with others. Firstly, everyone is unique. Secondly, people might seem to be happy but the truth could be that they are not. People are never what they seem to be like. You might compare yourself to a fake image of someone. Society is about always portraying your best sides and the accepted and included in a group. Compete with your best sides, push each other down and reach the peak of a fake world. Stop comparing and find what you feel is meaningful.

 

 

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Young Spirit // Deniz EskiIzmirliler

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